I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Don't make out with my wife yet
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
