I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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