You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He keeps bees of course he's weird
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
And then he peed in my hair
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