My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
