Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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