just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
