So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
