I'm so fucking centered right now
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
