I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
