I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
