It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Found your dick twin last night
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
