sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
