My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
