Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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