Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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