don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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