I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
