I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
