The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
