He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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