I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
