You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
