Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
