Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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