I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
