If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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