a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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