i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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