Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
