just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
