My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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