I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
