I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
