I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
