Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
