I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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