i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Randomize
