I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
