mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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