im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
