my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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