I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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