I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
