life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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