i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
