foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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