I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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