good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
