he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
