I bet he comes in French.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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