Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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