"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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