Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
