Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
