I like to think it a success when the cops are called
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
