after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
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I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize