At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
